To Karen, with love

Have you ever written a love letter? Or have you ever attempted proposing? I never did. So I thought to give it a try. This article is one such attempt. Karen is supposed to be someone whom I met recently, whom I took for granted and now she left me. You can laugh later if you found the letter hilarious.

“Dear Karen,

Like Jonas Blue’s song, Maybe we are Perfect Strangers. Perfect as parallel lines which never meet. The reason I am writing this to you is God. God is the name I have given to the things I don’t know. There are many things out there that we don’t understand. I am writing this about one of those incomprehensible things, Love.

I never quite understood it. Why a Child loves her mother and why a mother, her child? I only know that any act of love is an act of selfishness.

In our short journey together, I came closer than ever before to understand it. I know you wouldn’t agree with the word ‘together’, but I like it this way.

You were right in your first impression of me, arrogant. Yes! I was arrogant, not because of my knowledge, but because of my high self-esteem which was born in ignorance.

I liked the very Idea of someone asking me to answer their doubts, someone quite satisfied with my explanations. It makes me happy when I can explain something in a beautiful way. When I received your first text asking me some doubt, my arrogance took over my curiosity.

I was arrogant and idiot. An idiot who didn’t care much about how he looks, how he dresses. An idiot who irritates people, who bore others with his uninteresting conversations. An idiot who fakes his smile, an idiot who doesn’t know how to smile. A narcissistic idiot indeed. An idiot who cared less about other’s opinions.

My friends used to say that I should change. I should at least If I want to meet ‘the one’ in future. I should change for her. I disagreed. I didn’t like the idea of changing myself for others. I always thought I should wait for someone who likes me as I am.

I know that you feel so too, Karen. But I learnt something. Everyone is unique. They are all human yet different. You won’t find someone who is going to approve of you entirely. There will always be a difference, in some opinion, or view or tastes.

Not even our parents like us as a whole, yet they LOVE us.

This is something I learnt. We can love someone even if we don’t like or approve of them. I hope you will understand this.

Remember when I said that ‘A perfect couple is someone who doesn’t need to communicate. They know each others’ thoughts and they feel the same’. Well! I was wrong. There is no ideal case. There should be differences, there should be quarrels, and there will be.

I am not saying that the two should adjust to each other. I am saying that one will change for the other. Change is different from adjustment. I don’t want to adjust with you. I know I will change.

You may ignore my words saying they are mere attempts to convince you, to impress you. I am not doing both. You are too clever for that to happen.

Remember that I didn’t know how to smile. I never wanted to learn. But I tried to learn it because you said you wanted to see me smile. I never gave it a thought why I am trying to smile. I just know that I have to. I won’t say I know how to smile now but I am trying. The will to do is everything as said by someone.

As you know already, every time I smile, it is you who comes to my mind. It is also true that every time I remember you, I smile. You appear with nausea when I am having coffee. When I eat ice cream, I imagine you asking for one at midnight.

In life regret and guilt teaches one many truth. Same is the case here. I regret having annoyed you with my nonsense. The guilt changed me. I am not going to repeat my mistakes. Even now I am not going to irritate you with this letter. I won’t send it to you. But I hope it will reach you.

The lesson that my guilt taught me was, ‘Love acts in the form of change’. One changes when they love.

Remember when you said we can control where our relationship is going, I agreed. Now I disagree. We can’t control it.

I confess a few of my mistakes now. I wasn’t supposed to bug you with all the nonsense I can come up with. I wasn’t supposed to take your replies for granted. Now I treasure all your words, for they are the only things you left me with. And one great mistake was asking to hear your voice again and again. From the first moment I listened to it, it started to grow on me. It’s like I have to get more and more of it. Even now it is so. But I am not going to bug you for it.

There are many such mistakes which you already know. I don’t have to confess them. As always I am but speaking the truth here.

I know you are irritated of me. But even if you don’t agree I know that you had fun in our conversations. You really meant most of your words. Nobody can be that good at faking. If it is true that you had fun, I hope we can fix this.

I won’t send you any message nor will I call you until you have some question to ask.

I was always desperate, but I will remain silent and won’t act out of desperation until you are ready to give me a chance. I will do so because I gave you my word that I won’t.

I am imperfect and I know it. Thou art beautiful and I love it.

Yours truly
Mr.Netha